


Why Sherlock is No Longer Allowed at The Diogenes Club

by da_petty



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Drinking, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not Canon Compliant, Original Character(s), Out of Character, Out of Character Sherlock, Partial Nudity, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 06:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20689379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/da_petty/pseuds/da_petty
Summary: Moriarty and Sherlock meetup at a pub where, unbeknownst to Sherlock, Sebastian Moran drugs his drink. This is the result.**In case you're wondering; John's away at a medical convention and has no idea what Sherlock's up to.





	Why Sherlock is No Longer Allowed at The Diogenes Club

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MoonShineD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonShineD/gifts).

> Some friends asked me to role play Sherlock TV, to which I said no. Several members of the group strongly urged me to try. I did and I sucked. 
> 
> Today they wanted to RP again and instead I took over the entire conversation and wouldn't anyone else play. It was not appreciated but I was told to post it so here it is.
> 
> It's cleaned up a bit but it's mostly an incoherent mess and I have no idea why anyone would want to see it but sometimes my group tells me what to do and I occasionally do it!
> 
> Greg Lestrade played by: MsLadySmith
> 
> Sebastian Moran played by: MoonShineD

Scene

Jim and Sherlock meet up at a pub and Jim gets him drunk while Sebastian Moran also drugs him. We don’t know what was used but he's been singing "I'm a little tea pot" for the past two hours.

Moriarty: 

[thinking]

I might actually kill him tonight and not regret it one bit!

I tried to get Sherlock to drink coffee but he’d said 'no stimulants' and…oh, for fucks sake, he's wearing a dress now.

Where'd he get a goddamned dress? 

[Moriarty looks around the room and sees a barely clothed woman standing at the bar torn between arousal and anger. She eyes Sherlock hungrily.]

Jim:

“OH! Sorry about that, ma'am. Sherlock! Give that back!”

Woman:

“Wait. He can wear it. I don’t mind. Is he available?”

Jim:

“What? No. He's gay.”

Woman:

“What about you, handsome.”

Jim:

“No. I'm gay too! In fact; we're ALL gay!

Woman:

“I don’t mind…”

Jim:

[exasperated]

Piss off, lady! It’s for a case!

[woman departs leaving dress on Sherlock]

Sherlock:

"No ish not! Green brings out my eyes...wait, that's wrong...green brings out the color of my eyes. There, that's better. Need my eyes!

[enters pub and is shocked to see the people in attendance with Sherlock and Sherlock acting out of character. WAY out of character!]

Greg, old boy! Have a drink with me at this bar that I didn't know I was going to.”

[Sherlock looks around the bar]

“Why is Moron hic here? Moron. Get it?

I shouldn't drink. Ish anyonez really hearz wid me?"

**crickets**

Sherlock:

"Not again! I guess I'll just continue playing with myself. Nice assist, guys!"

Greg:

[laughs at Sherlock but says nothing.]

Sherlock:

"I could do thish all day! I'm the most inner esting person I know! Bril yant conversati...conversationil...I talk real good!"

[continues random stream of consciousness addressed to no one in particular. Looks a bowl on sitting on bar]

“Dear god! What are “beer nutz"?! Disz gustin' iz what it iz!

Beer is made from hops; bet that hurt. Getting those nutz, I mean!"

Greg:

“Someone sober that boy up”

Sherlock:

"Dems fightin' words! I'm no boy! Better feel again!

[thrusts hips out inviting said feeling]

"No. Really. Feel me. See if that feels like a boy to you! I dare you! I double dog dare you!"

Greg:

“What the fuck was in your drink?”

Seb:

[hides mysterious powder]

Sherlock:

"I dunno. Jim said it wuz "Shirley Temple?" I don't normally drink women but when in bar...Wait. When in Rome...yeah...thas what I meant.

Someone come talk to me! Or jus come! I'm easy! *hic*

[looks around room and shouts]

"Am I gonna half tah suck my own dick again?! Must be Friday."

[unbuckles belt]

"Well, ok. I asked for it! I think am gonna need an ass...assist. 'Ass!' One of those too!"

“I needz support!” 

[puts back against bar and promptly slides to the floor] 

"Now thaz more like it!

"Shoulda oughta taken my trousers off first. Damn it all!”

[gestures to bartender]

"Barkeep! Bring me one of your finest servers to help me get these gooddamned trousers off! 

Bartender:

[astonished]

“Now? Here?”

Sherlock:

“What? Of course here! Of course now!"

[everyone in the bar is focused on Sherlock, waiting to see what he’ll do next.]

Sherlock:

[singing]

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout…”

[looks for server and finds him]

"Hey! Server! Need someone to suck my spout! HAH!!!"

[laughs - alone]

"That was a bit much. Was it a bit much? Most say it's plenty. HAH HAH!”

"Christ, I'm funny!"

Jim:

Seb, whatever that was you gave him... I need some

Sherlock:

[to server fighting Sherlock to get his trousers back on and discovering that he’s pantless]

"No. I don't wear pants but thanks for asking and why is this floor littered with peanut shells? They're stuck to my bum now! Thanks for nothin'!"

[gets on hand and knees, arse facing the server]

"Server! Clean me up, would you? I can't crawl around with peanut shells and god know what else, attached to my arse all night!"

[notices long line of men gathering behind him]

"Woah! So many volunteers! Thanks, boys!"

[looks around at clientele] 

"The ratio of men to women seems unusually lopsided here. Huh."

[rubs eyes]

"Sleepy now. Where's Jimmy?"

Greg:

[puts straight jacket - that’s readily available - on Sherlock]

“There you go! A lovely white jack just for you. You look good!

Sherlock:

"Hey! I've worn one of these before! Ties in the back, right?! This place sure is fancy for a pub.

Greg:

“Yep.”

Sherlock:

[struggles in straight jacket but can’t get loose]

"Worst formal wear EVER! Dancing is all but impossible!"

Greg:

But you do look dashing in it

Sherlock:

"I won't be dashing far in this! HAH!"

Greg:

[cinching straight jacket strap between Sherlock’s thighs]

Sherlock

"Hey! Too tight! Watch the crotchticles!"

[Sherlock is sent home to sober up. He doesn’t remember a thing…he says. No one tells John and they never speak of this again.]

The End...unless John finds out...


End file.
